As someone who has worked in the luxury matchmaking industry, I have had the opportunity to work with people from a wide range of backgrounds, age groups, cities, cultures, and dating experiences. It has shaped the way I look at modern dating, especially when it comes to the difference between what people think they are looking for in a partner and what actually creates a real connection.
Recently, I had a conversation with a friend that reminded me of something I see all the time in modern dating. She felt stuck. She was meeting people, having conversations, going through the apps, and trying to be intentional, but something still was not translating into the kind of connection she was hoping for or the person she actually wanted to build something with.
One of the biggest issues I see right now is that even when people are genuinely interested in finding love, settling down, and meeting the right person, the systems we have been using for years, like dating apps, social media, and everything in between, have changed the way we consume people. We are exposed to more options than ever before, but that does not always mean we are getting closer to what we actually want.
My friend asked me to look at her dating profile and help her figure out what she should be looking for in a partner. Before looking at the profile, I turned the question back on her: what was she actually looking for, and what were her non-negotiable?
As a matchmaker, I strongly believe in non-negotiable. Not in the sense of having a rigid checklist, but in understanding what you need in a partner in order to feel safe, supported, respected, and able to be the best version of yourself.
With the rise of dating apps and the way dating culture has changed, I think the words “standards” and “non-negotiable” have started to get blurred. Often when I talk to people, they have a long list of things they are looking for. My friend had a spreadsheet that included educational background, financial goals, personality traits, possible cities she would want to live in, and other details.
And while those things can be important factors to pay attention to, I noticed she was missing some of the biggest ones.
What values does this person have? How do they treat the people around them? How do they make you feel when you are with them? Are you leaving the conversation feeling more connected and clear, or are you leaving feeling confused and unsure?
Those questions shift the mindset from simply going on dating apps to see who you find physically attractive, which of course matters to some degree, to paying attention to the qualities that actually carry a relationship long-term.
When dating, I think that it is so important that we pay attention to the qualities that really matter. The things that are going to take you to the end. You may have a physical type. You may have a certain area you would like to live in. You may have a certain lifestyle or financial bracket that feels important to you. Those things are real, and they do matter.
But the couples I have seen do the best, both inside and outside of the matchmaking world, are not built only on those factors. What really mattered was the way the person made them feel. The way they connected with their family, or the people they consider family. The way they showed up on the best days of their life, and also on the hardest days.
My advice to my friend was to pay attention to the people she could have a real connection with in conversation. Were they intentional? Were they asking to take her on a real date? Were they showing signs that they were ready for a committed relationship?
One of the reasons I love the matchmaking industry so much is because I get to have these in-depth conversations with clients about what they are genuinely looking for. We talk about the qualities they want in a partner, but we also get to introduce them to people who may fall slightly outside of their original “ideal partner.” Sometimes, those introductions are the ones that surprise people the most.
The more variety of people you meet, the more you actually learn about what you are looking for.
In my conversation with my friend, it was not about changing her entire approach to dating. It was about helping her think more deeply about the real things she wants in a relationship and the qualities that will matter in her long-term future.
We have access to so much information now. Between Instagram, LinkedIn, dating apps, and the way people present themselves online, you can find out so many details about someone before you ever really know them. And while I will always say that people should protect themselves and be aware, I also think it is important not to let someone’s online presence or resume become the whole picture.
Pay attention to how that person makes you feel. Not just their job title. Not just their income. Not just what you can read about them online.
Pay attention to the way they act toward your friends when they meet them. Pay attention to how you feel when you leave a date. The tangible things matter. The way someone treats you matters. The way someone communicates matters. The way someone shows up matters.
Job titles, income, education, and lifestyle are all important aspects of the type of life someone may want to build. But they do not always determine who you are going to fall in love with. You can grow, prosper, and build an amazing life with someone who may not check every single box you originally thought they needed to check.
Standards and non-negotiable are absolutely important. They help you find the quality and caliber of person you want in your life. But don’t let a checklist close the door on someone who could actually be an incredible match, simply because they fall outside of a few ideas you were holding onto.
At Matchmaking For Men, we help successful singles step away from the exhaustion of dating apps and approach dating with more clarity, strategy, and intention. To learn more about our private matchmaking process, schedule a confidential call with our team.
